BrokeBark Mountain

Lambster has been here for months now in a "foster" situation that has turned into a very European three-way arrangement between my wife Finley and me.

We are both attracted to him. Who wouldn't be? He's gorgeous, young, with white teeth, a pink butt and a little button tail that never stops wagging. The only thing that stops is my heart...whenever he walks by.

I sure wish I could quit you Lamby. We've got a problem.

The other day when we were on our walk with Mom and Dad by the Starbucks on Ventura Boulevard, Lamby and I were circling the same Sycamore tree because Mom had us on that stupid double leash, which gets us all tangled up. I got a golden stream of Lamb juice right in the side of my mouth. Mom freaked.

Mom: "Oh my God! Look! Lamby pissed right into Jinky's mouth! That's so disgusting. I can't believe it, the side of his mouth is all yellow."

Dad laughed and then by the time we got to the next tree pee stop, I got Lamby back good.

Mom: (Laughing) "Jinky peed on Lamby's head! It looks like a winter pee in the snow! The two of them look like they just came out of a leather bar in the meat packing district of lower Manhattan! All they need is chaps."

I thought we looked cool.

I like the fact that Lamby's got that white fluffy afro because I can always tell what he's been doing. I can tell when he's been chewing on the deck boards by the pool, because the wood stain (Ebony) gets all over his mouth and tongue. And right now, I know that he and Dad were sharing a peanut butter sandwich because there's a whole bunch of melted Skippy creamy stuff matted into his neck, where he can't get it. He looks hot with the peanut butter stain. Sort of like a supermodel with ketchup on his chin.

Finley and I will lick it off because our marriage is so Euro.

Mom and Dad were supposed to take us to Nice, France, Europe on Monday but we got delayed on account of Dad's network pitch. Dad's trying to squeeze the remaining drop of rancid juice out of his career and meet with some TV dummies before we go.

Mom was supposed to go to NY for a meeting about a role on a new show but they've got offers out to people more famous than Mom. So now it looks like we'll be going to NY for an entirely different reason: my squirrel hunting trip to Central Park. Plus, the flight to France is so long and we can't pee on the plane, so Mom and Dad HAVE to stop in NY, so we can pee at Grandma's and in Central Park.

I'm sort of glad to be getting out of Hollywood for a few months but Lamby can't come with us and I'm going to cry. He'll be happy with his other Mom and Dad in Westwood but I'm sure gonna miss him while we're gone.

I'd like to meet you somewhere up in the mountains Lamby and we could fight off coyotes together, just you and me, wrestling from morning 'til sunset. I could lean on your soft white afro and nuzzle you all night long, your sweet young peanut butter breath in my ear.

I sure wish I could quit you Lamby.