I don't want to have to kick Lambster's ass.

Lambster is getting better every day. I like him OK but I think he's half gay. He keeps coming over to me and licking me in my ear and more private places. I don't know where he learned these foreplay techniques but they don't work on me at all.

Finley likes to get on top of him in all of her hugeness and clean his face while she humps him. I have learned to be very Euro about it. Let her have an affair with Lambster. What harm can it really do? She's fixed and Mom is going to have his balls removed soon. Mom wants to remove Dad's balls too, but he won't let her.

With his thigh high day glow dominator boots, Lambster has potential to be a porn star.

Dad: "Have you felt his balls?"

Mom: "No I haven't felt any balls lately. You're sick."

Dad: "They're gigantic. I'm going to call him Ron Jeremy."

Mom, Dad and Lambster's friend/rescuer Jennifer took a bunch of porn pictures of Lambster's pee pee with a squeeky toy. It's supposed to be like the garden elf in the movie "Amelie." People are really crazy.

I feel sorry for the poor Lambster. He has to go to the hospital every two days at Brent Air to see Dr. Shlanger and Dr. Noll, who take off those giant bandage boots and clean out his horrifying wounds. They shoot him up with morphine (because it really hurts) and when he comes back, he's all drooly and looks like a junkie. I guess the hip, curly-haired addict in Hollywood turns my wife Finley on.

Today, Peggy, a volunteer from Best Friends took him to the hospital for his bandage change and he was so stoned, he pooped on himself and all over her car. He came home looking like a bum and mom cleaned him up with a wet hand towel. Ew. I thought I'd lose my lunch.

All of the Best Friends volunteers have been so nice and Lambster still needs help with his vet bills. So if you're reading this and you can spare the equivalent of a bag of cat litter or even 20 bags of cat litter, that would be awfully nice and tax deductible too. You can call the Brent Air Animal Hospital at:

11560 West Olypmic Blvd.LA CA 90064
310-478-0011

And tell them you want to contribute something to help out Luke the Lambdog.

This is how Lambster likes to sleep in MY BED!

Please somebody, adopt him. I don't want to have to beat up a half gay, frou frou Bichon's ass.