Harry Sax has pimples and Amputee Barbie Dog

My wife Finley is having an extramarital affair with Harry Sax of Brentwood. I don't get it. Harry's bald, has only one tooth, is from death row and the worse part is: Harry Sax has black heads.

Underneath that gay chenille coat, are the pimples. Mom spent an hour giving him a skin treatment while his mom, laughed like a hyena in a rat store.

Mom: "Oh, my God. Look. These aren't moles, these are actual year old or more, yecch!-- two year old BLACK heads! I'm going to get a tissue. It's disgusting."

Harry Sax's mom: (laughing hysterically) "Aaaaaaaah! Look! I thought they were just bumps! It's the breed. They all have that."

Harry liked the skin treatment mom was giving him and he closed his eyes in the sun and sighed. I thought I would throw up my entire breakfast. What Finn sees in Harry Sax of Brentwood I'll never know but I love her so much, that if it makes Finley feel less fat, and if she wants to cavort with a pimply, hideous hairless Zulu or Zolo or whatever he is, I'll let her. Besides, all that rolling around she does with him burns calories.

Harry Sax's mom has also adopted a hot armless blonde named Irma La Douce from Chi Rescue. Now I can kind of see what Paul McCartney saw in that legless blonde of his. It kind of makes me feel horny and sympathetically altruistic all at once. I think that since Finn is busy with Pimples from Brentwood, I might try and give Irma La Douce a little Christmas hambone. She can't really get very far, she only has her two back legs and two stumps in the front. That didn't stop Mom from making her an outfit out of a fake fur wine bottle sack. Mom is nuts. She thinks the amputee is a Barbie Dog.

Harry Sax's mom: "That bottle sack is perfect! We should sell these! We could patent it! It's so cute and it will protect her little chest from getting abscessed."

Her chest is going to get abscessed? Ew.

Mom: "Look how glamorous she looks. (laughing) We could get rich off of this."

Harry Sax's mom: (holding her stomach laughing) "Yeah! For all those legless dogs we know! Haaaaa! There are so many, we'll make millions!"

Mom: (cutting out the bottom of the bottle warmer) "Look! The bottom can be a beret! A movie star hat!"

Stupid kitty slinked by (surely on the way to make a deposit in her poop- igloo downstairs) and gave all of us a look of pure disgust. I have to say I felt pretty creepy staring at the exposed back end of an armless blonde with no undies in a white fake fur coat worming her way around the couch like a Britney Spears amputee looking for her keys.

The holiday fun didn't end there. As soon as the Sax family drove down the hill, Mom dressed us up for our Christmas pictures. My uncle Belze the big TV star gave me a Santa outfit last night at the Chateaux Marmont. It's hot and itchy but it makes Mom happy. Christmas is about giving after all and I'll do just about anything to make Mom happy.