Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wolf balls for China

I'm soaking in my jacuzzi, relaxing and thinking while Mom is running around like a mad woman, trying to find a sanctuary for four wolves. Three days ago, Mom got a call for help from Chi Rescue (the people who saved me) about some abandoned wolves up in the mountains of Tehachepi.
I can't figure out why Mom would get involved with these wild wolfie guys who would eat us like a Snickers Bar in one gulp. I think she felt sorry for them. I'm just letting you know, the wolf story is kind of trashy. The wolves had a mom, a woman in Tehachepi, who had a personal petting zoo, and she died on the toilet. Supposedly, she was found dead with a bashed up head and she was half slumped into a bathtub full of water. Her wolves are not suspects but the family is waiting for a coroner's report to see she died of a heart attack or if someone decided she shouldn't be around anymore.
I just hope the wolves are not coming here. I know they need shelter but I'm not sharing my space on the bed with giant, bloodthirsty wolves. It's bad enough there are coyotes just outside the property, waiting for us to go out at night for our evening pee, looking like tasty morsels.
I'm mad that so many dumb asses like her and Michael Jackson have personal zoos where the animals are stuck in cages and live miserable lives just so these idiots can say they have exotic animals. Now she's dead and these wolfies need to go somewhere fast before they get shot by the son-in-law or killed by animal control. They haven't been for a walk since their mom died in early February. That's sad.

I think people who buy exotic animals are really show-offy, stupid...and mean, especially if they are sitting around bored in prison cages. Wild wolfies should run free or be protected in sanctuaries when crazy hunters are shooting at them. I'm as exotic as they are. Look at me. I'm a hybrid gremlin/alien from another planet/pig-dog. You can get hybrids like me at the pound but don't keep us in a cage, we belong in beds and on couches only. And we eat people food and we need to be talked to and massaged constantly and walked a lot or we will pee on your pillows, OK?

Mom and her friends found a really nice lady, Grace, who does German Shepherd rescue to take them in until they can get fixed for their trip to a wolf sanctuary. Mom is starting a rescue fund so that these wolves get their balls cut off pronto before they make more wolves.
Mom and Dad were talking about the wolves all night in the kitchen (my favorite room in the house).
Dad: "If I'm going to pay for this, I want the Vet to give me the balls. I want them in a jar. I understand that in China, wolf balls are used for medical problems, like writing block. They give you confidence. But in order to really get confidence, you should have to take the balls off a live wolf yourself. "
Dad does have writing block but I don't think wolf balls can help him. Not even wolf balls will cure him of what mom calls "incredible laziness that could only be surpassed by a coma." Besides, Dad's got his facts wrong. Chinese humans use exotic animal winkie parts because of their own insecurity about their OWN saggy, soft, winkies. They eat dogs like me too, in oyster sauce :(
Mom: "What a good idea! Wolf balls in brine! We'll sell them to some crazy misguided Chinese people for their "impotence problem." We'll make enough money to support an entire wolf sanctuary! "
Yeah, those people over there in China are crazy. They think that Rhino horns and tiger and bear balls will help them with their unstiff pecker problems. Hey! If they've got such overcooked noodles for winkies, then why do they have over a billion people in China? It doesn't make any sense. I'm all for making money to save wolves by selling California wolf balls to them. This is a business plan that could work. We get animal control to actually do something other than kill dogs. We get them to neuter dogs, and then label the balls as exotic animal balls and then export them to China for their psycho-winkie trouble! This way, we control the dog overpopulation here in America and support small rescue organizations to put the pound dogs in real beds and on real couches with people who love them!
And if the Chinese importers call us liars for passing California wolf balls for bear balls, well it's only fair, because they keep lying about the "faux fur" on the sweaters they send over here. Some of my best friends end up on sweaters here in the USA--Chinese dogs.


Blogger Pisser said...

I love it! Sounds like a plan. FREE TRADE FOR DOGS! Winkie problems solved!

9:57 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth K. Kracht said...

Washington State has some kind of wolf preserve where people can actually go howl with them on a full moon night. Might want to check that out for rehoming the big bad wolves.

1:42 PM  

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