Couturophobia

The knitting project manager needs Zoloft look at my mom. She's lost it.

We haven't even been back in Hollywood for two weeks and things are already going downhill. Mom had an audition for a show called 'Ugly Betty' and once again, "they LOVED her but are going another way."

This book about me that's coming out has seriously changed the dynamics in the household. It's getting out of hand. The publisher, Andrews Macmeel, has sent me some money and now I am officially making more money than my parents. This has destroyed Dad, who used to be the one bringing home the dough. Mom is taking it ok...She's used to it now.

My book, Diary of Jinky, the Dog of a Hollywood Wife, is being released in September and Mom has created a line of sweaters for me that she is going to sell to "high end Hollywood boutiques." I'm worried about her though, as she frantically knits all these sweaters for the Mommy and Doggie line.

Personally, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and I'm not sure we look good wearing the same clothes. I'm already ball-less. So now I have no balls and I'm wearing the same purple sweater as my Mommy. It's not exactly masculine.

This morning over coffee, I was trying to nap in her lap while she talked to her manufacturer in Canada.

Mom: "I think there's a niche market of spoiled, rich, Hollywood people who will plunk down $150 for a one-of-a-kind dog sweater. But it's got to be a hip, Rock n' Roll, Hollywood, Paris, Milan kind of vibe. Like Dolce, but for dogs."

I hope she outsources the knitting because I can't even sit on her lap when she knits. I'm going to get my eye poked out with a knitting needle. I'll be blind during the book tour.

Dad thinks the whole idea is crazy.

Dad: (yelling) "What the hell do you know about the clothing business? This is CRAZY! Do you want a bunch of people in the game room knitting and boxes piled up to the ceiling? What about the shipping? You want to be shipping this junk all over the place? What a headache! What if somebody is knitting and falls down the stairs or stabs someone with a knitting needle? What then, huh? The insurance nightmare!"

Mom: "I think this is an opportunity to help dogs. If this goes, we can give a part of the money to dog charities! AND, it's an opportunity to hire older women who knit...who NEED money! Old women can't get jobs, you know."

Dad: "Great. A bunch of old ladies and illegal aliens in my house. I used to have parties here. Now I've got a sweat shop!"

Mom: "Jesus! Do you always have to be so negative?"

Dad: "Well blindfold'em before you bring them up here. I don't want them to know where I live."

I'd much rather Mom got into the food business.