Friday, April 08, 2005

A Dude Named Pope

A dude named Pope died on TV. He's got an awful lot of friends in long red dresses. It's weird to see a bunch of guys wearing long red skirts with lace following the Pope guy's corpse around for days. He must stink pretty bad by now because one of the men in red keeps wafting an incense burner over him.

Mom doesn't like him very much but she sure is glued to the TV.

Mom: "He's got blood on his hands! How can he go to Africa and Asia, where people are dying of AIDS and tell them not to use condoms? And why can't women be ordained? We're a bunch of breeders to him, no more..."

I wonder what Pope thinks about the Spay Neuter thing. Does he ever think that we've got too many homeless animals dying in cages by the millions? Are there dogs in heaven? Did he ever have a dog? And why aren't there any dogs at the funeral?

Pope had the biggest parties I've ever seen. And his car was so cool because he could ride around without birds pooping on his fancy dresses. His house is VERY fancy but the yard is terrible. All stone and no trees, no grass, no shade, not even a shrub.

I guess people are crying because they'll miss Pope riding around in a gold hat with his hands up in the air talking about stuff they wish they could do but won't. It's the biggest bunch of guilty looking people I've ever seen. At least in Hollywood, they don't feel bad about the stuff they do.

These guys in long red dresses can really sing. They sing this beautiful, sad song, where they call out the names of all the saints. (If I understand it right, saints are dead people who saw dead people and spoke to more dead people.) Dad's been making fun of them, walking slowly across the living room with a red towel wrapped around his waist and a white napkin on his bowed head. He sings the song in Latin, except he changes the names of the saints to Rigatoni and Scungili or Cannoli and Puttanesca.

Dad: "oh, oh, oh, oooooooooh, Santo Spirito Spaghettini... Oh, oh, oh- oh, Santo Spirito Santo Fusili..."

This drives Mom into a laughing frenzy, where she can't even catch her breath.


Blogger Scott W said...

Jinkeys, that was great! Had me laughing out loud. Finally some pope reporting that makes sense. Love the yarmukle (pardon spelling).

4:37 PM  
Blogger Scott W said...

PS, just linked your story. More people gotta read it.

4:44 PM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Excellent. Scott W forced me to read itor said he'd throw a bible at me.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Pisser said...

Jinkay, your daddy and mommy are f---ing killing me.

Apparently, they didn't embalm JP because if you are a saint, you aren't supposed to stink. Poor JP. He was just a man, we all stink when we die.

-Santo Penne Oilio y Aglio, or some shit

8:46 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

Oh boy, this is class!

3:03 AM  
Blogger ann said...

This genuflecting seems as kneejerk to me as a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. Only the peeing is done with a sense of purpose and the genuflecting is done with faked humility or guilty self-loathing--I can't tell which. Then, I'm about as Catholic as you, Jinky, so what do I know about it?

7:19 AM  

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