This town is full of people who are so crazy, they could hurt themselves. The other night, we were driving home and a girl with long blond hair jumped out of a car and ran in front of our car. She was running really fast, almost as fast as I can run. It was freezing outside and she was almost naked and didn't have any shoes on. Her feet were all bloody. Unlike dogs, who have feet that work, people have wimpy feet that get cut up easily. Plus they like to wear stupid looking shoes so that other people will ask them where they bought their shoes.

Mom and Dad pulled up along side of her and Mom rolled down her window.

Mom: "Are you ok?"

Crazy girl: "No. God says you can't chrysanthemum and birdy runs too."

Mom: "Where do you live?"

Crazy girl: "Cardamon."

Mom: "Where are you going?"

Crazy girl: "They stole my car and my shoes. But God doesn't want more flowers. Berrooupbadipdoop blah."

Then the girl ran down the street to Mulholland so Mom and Dad followed her in our car. She kept running out into the middle of the road and cars were swerving around her. A few cars stopped and guys who were driving tried to get her to come into their cars. Dad was yelling.

Dad: "Don't get into that car! Jesus! Some creep is going to take this girl."

Mom:"Goddamn it! I'm never going out without a phone again!"

Dad: "Why don't you drive home, drop off the dogs, get the phone and I'll stay here with her and try to keep her from getting run over?"

Mom: "No! She's obviously having a psychotic breakdown and what if the police come and she says you tried to kidnap her? What if she pushes you into the road and a drunk in a Ferrari comes by and clips you? I hate this!"

Dad: "We can't just leave her here!"

So Dad got out of the car and Mom got in the driver's seat and yelled all the way home. When we got in, she called 911 but there was an automated message saying that they were too busy to take her call. Then she left us and went to find Dad on the road. I was worried because Mom was hysterical, the cops weren't answering and she wouldn't let me go with her.

Finn and I waited by the door and listened as hard as we could to what was going on out there in the dark. Helicopters were hovering over our yard and shining their huge lights all over the road and I could hear lots of yelling. Stupid Kitty just sat on the kitchen counter eating her wet food like nothing was going on. She's so disconnected. The only way to get her to react would be to have a hawk fly right into her face and grab her by the head.

Finally, what felt like hundreds of hours later, Mom and Dad came home.

Mom: "An HOUR response time! A fucking HOUR for the cops to come! I thought that crazy woman was going to get you killed or lie to the police and say you kidnapped her! We're not safe up here."

Dad: "Let's sell the house--put it on the market. I can't live like this, with alarms and locked doors. I knew this would happen when I got married."

Mom: "You getting married to me has zero to do with the crimes up here. The home invasions up here are not my fault."

Dad hates it when Mom talks about safety and he refuses to get an alarm system. Mom says it's because he's too cheap. Dad's not cheap. He just doesn't like to waste money that we might need for food one day. Besides, we don't need an alarm because I'm an alarm. I would never let anyone into this house that wasn't invited. If anybody tried to get in here, I'd rip them open, just like I practice on my squeaky monkey. I pretend the stuffed monkey has broken in and I rip all the stuffing out of his body.