Mom's all excited today, she's "directing." She's running around like a mad woman getting ready to direct some teenaged star named Frankie Munoz from a stupid TV show called Malcolm in the Middle.

Frankie adopted a one eyed pit Bull and Mom is going to make a public service announcement for Last Chance for Animals with him about "the cruel sport of dog fighting."

I know they don't mean the kind of arguments Finley and I have over the best down pillow on the bed nearest to Dad kind of fighting.

No, this stuff is way more serious. This is gambling, crazy, trailer park people watching pit bulls killing each other for money. If I could, I would bite these people (who bet on dog fights) in the scrotum, really hard and then pull, to tear the scrotum up real good and let their balls fall out and bounce down the 405 freeway and then the balls would get crushed by a Hummer with bling wheels.

Uncle Belz (Richard Belzer) just called and wanted to talk to Dad about the new movie they're writing. He can't believe that Dad doesn't have a cell phone. "What do you do if you get shot?" he asked Mom. "I call Disney and they pull him out of the writing room to tell him his wife's been shot," Mom answered.

This is the homicide capital of America.