There are two whores in my house.

Dad's got a theme running this week that's driving Mom crazy. He puts the word 'whore' in every conversation. It started early today: Mom went on a meeting with some producers this morning before our midday foodies and came home with a long face.

Mom: "What a waste of time. Before I even went in, the assistant told me they wouldn't be shaking my hand--germs. Actress germs. I'm done. I'm moving on."

Dad: "Move ON dot whore!"

Mom: "www.moveon.whore? Thanks a lot. That makes me feel so much better."

Dad: "What a whoreable life you lead. Welcome home. You put the HO in HOME."


Dad isn't being very understanding. He's always making word jokes. Can't help it. Later, Mom was holding her head and moaning like Stupid Kitty does when we run out of wet food.

Mom: "Ow! Aaaaaaaw! My head hurts."

Dad: "Maybe it's your WHOREmones."

Mom: "(to Dad) Can you go downstairs and get me an aspirin?"

After about two hours, Dad came back with a huge pill the size of a kitty nugget and a glass of water.

Dad: "Some ASS-pirin?"

Mom: "This is aspirin? Are you trying to poison me?"

Dad: "I could never get away with it. They'd do a whore-topsy."

Mom laughed, even though I could tell she didn't want to think it was funny. She's pretty sensitive lately about being called a whore. Even Lamby has been calling her a whore for several days now non-stop. He sits in front of her, stares her down and in a really low voice, calls her names.

Lamby: "Whoarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. Whoarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre."

I told him it's not a good idea to make Mom mad, since she adopted him and all. But that doesn't stop him. He knows he's a pure-bred white, fluffy rock star and that Dad would rather spoon him all night than her.

Mom: "I know he's just talking to get a bone or something but it really does sound like he's calling me a whore, doesn't it? Listen to him!"

Lamby: "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr whoarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!"

Dad: "Smart doggie."

There are only two whores in this house. I'll tell you who's a whore around here.


Finley.




And Stupid Kitty.




Obvious whores.