Monday, October 08, 2007

Sailing around Cap d'Antibes and Dad's early retirement plan

I've been learning how to sail in the Bay of Cannes. You know, by peeing on the sails just before they go up and running back and forth and herding Dad during the tack so he doesn't get hit on the head by the boom. It's a demanding job and Mom hasn't made it any easier by forcing us to wear these ridiculous looking life vests.

Finn just sits in hers and doesn't move at all, which is her default pose whether she's on a boat, in the water, at home or on the street. But at least, when Mom puts us in the water, I don't worry about my wife Finley drowning. I swear, Finley is so heavy, we could use her as an anchor.

Our friends who have the sailboat also have a Yorkie named Angie who barks all the time. What is it with these store-bought dogs? She needs to spend a night at the South LA "shelter" and maybe she'll have a real reason to bark like hell. Mom got her a tiny life vest too. If Angie doesn't stop barking, I might have to rip her life vest to shreds with my teeth and then look for a life vestless moment to shove her overboard. With any luck, a guppie will swallow her whole.

Dad has such a good time on our friends' boat that he wants to sell the house and buy a boat instead. Mom doesn't think it's such a great idea. They've been arguing about it non-stop.

Dad: "Well, I was a real idiot not to sell the house at the peak. Now it's worth nothing and it's going to cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars to fix the roof and the deck and the balcony. The housing market is collapsing. I'm thinking we should just sell everything, buy a boat and live on it. "

Mom: "Are you crazy? You don't know the first thing about sailing or navigation. A boat is a hole for money and we'd drown. Plus, you can't even stand to be around me all day in the same house! How will you stand being stuck on a boat? Where will the dogs go to the bathroom? And don't you get sea sick? This is insane! Learn how to sail first. "

Dad: "We can't ever do what I want to do. We only do what you want to do."

Mom: "I saw you on that boat. You showed zero interest in sailing. You hate chores and on a boat, it's nothing BUT chores. Chores in the sun. You've got pink skin and you're bald. You'll get skin cancer."
Dad: "Listen, thanks to you, I haven't got enough money to live much longer anyway.
Melanoma is my early retirement plan."

If they do sell everything and get a floatie house, I'd be fine with that. I don't care where we live as long as we're together in a pack. I've been practicing my lifeguard techniques and I'll make sure no one drowns.


Blogger Pisser said...

I love Finley in her kink orange bondage jacket!

I pulled a tiny (not even 6 lb.) Tulip chihuahua from So. Central. You can bet she was screaming like hell-! Poor little wet rat lookin' she lives in Bev. Hills :)

10:54 PM  

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