Saturday, October 01, 2005

The Hills are on Fire and Bill Maher's Fart Doll

The Hills all around us are on fire! The air is thick with smoke. The sky is bright orange and Burbank is burning. Animals are running for their lives and tens of thousands of acres are in flames.

Big planes full of water are flying over our house and thousands of birds are flying through the ashes, yelling to each other and freaking out. It smells like a giant barbecue but this time, it's not veggie burgers, it's deer.

Usually, it's dumbass humans who start fires. Up here on Mulholland drive, I've seen idiots driving giant Hummers and holding a lit cigarette out of the window. What do they think is going to happen if they're driving, talking on their cell and flicking their ashes out the window? Maybe if their mansions burned down, they'd think about being a little more careful with their burny stinky sticks.

Speaking of burny stinky sticks, Mom, Dad and a couple of their friends got into a fight last night with a group of loud, sequined chain smokers at a restaurant. All four of them had their stinky sticks burning at the same time, while we were eating.

Dad's friend is amazing. His name is David Feldman. He's a writer for Bill Maher and has funny hair on his head--kind of like the hair on the head of a doll, but that's not why he's so powerful. He has a website called DavidFeldmanisimpotent. But he's not at all, which I soon found out. Dad calls him Bill Maher's Fart Doll and now I understand why.

During dinner, Bill Maher's Fart Doll was sitting right next to the chain smokers and he was getting annoyed by the smoke.

Bill Maher's Fart Doll: (to the smoking lady sitting next to us) "Would you mind holding your cigarettes over there, not over here?"

Mom: (so they could hear) "Are they allowed to smoke here? This is LA! You can't even smoke at the beach in LA!"

Dad: "Well we are outside. If he likes to smoke so much, I just wish that guy would blow the smoke on his guests, not us."

Chain Smoker #1: (real phony) "Gee, I'm sorry? But we're outside here, aren't we?"

Bill Maher's Fart Doll: "Ok, I'm going to ask you politely one more time. Either hold your cigarettes on your side of the table or put them out. My wife has asthma. I'm not going to ask you again."

Then the other two people at their table lit more cigarettes, completely ignoring Fart Doll. They laughed at us and blew more smoke our way.

Mrs. Fart Doll: (to Fart Doll) "Honey, are you carrying? Are you loaded?"

Bill Maher's Fart Doll: (to Mrs. Fart Doll) "I'll take care of this."

Then the most incredible thing happened. FD stood up very calmly, lifted up his jacket, positioned himself with his ass directly in front of one of the chain smokers and blew a high- pressure gas bomb right in her face, giving her an instant chemical peel!

Her sequins melted.

The Fart Doll's gas was so powerful, a cloud of vapors hovered over the chain smokers and they started choking from the fumes. They looked like they were about to die. FD claims he's a vegetarian but he's lying. I know that gas had some pork fat and cheese pushing it's way through the tube of raw sewage before it shot out of his khakis.

He must be the most powerful man in Hollywood. If he worked for the government, that would be the end of all wars. They could harvest that ass gas of his and attach it to long range missiles. That's the only shortfall of his weapon. He doesn't have the long range delivery power.

I might be able to help him with that. It's something to work on. A viable Hollywood project. Bill Maher should let his Fart Doll loose on his show. It would blow away the competition.


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Blogger Pisser said...

How do I get one? :)

Wow. I've just been shoving lit cigarettes up the smoker's a**...seems I've been going about this all wrong-!

2:25 PM  
Blogger Scott W said...

Hysterical, the fart doll not the fires. Stay safe. BTW you might want to turn on the word verification on your blogger settings. And write more, I love to read your blog.

4:33 PM  

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