As dumb as it gets

My wife likes to play dress-up in Mom's clothes. It's really sexy how it opens up right at her pee pee. She looks smart in this photo but wait 'til you hear how dumb she is.

We discovered just how dumb Finn is this morning. It was early, before breakfast and Finn was limping really badly around the garden. She was dragging her back leg and walking like she was going to spend the rest of her life in a stroller. Mom and Dad completely freaked out.

Mom: "Oh my God! look at Finn! She's limping. Oh no!"

Dad: "That's it. That's how my old dog Kegley died. She tried to jump out of the car and her back went out."

Mom: "That's how my dachshund died! He became a paraplegic! Oh my god! Finn's going to be a paraplegic if she doesn't have surgery immediately! You have to do spinal surgery within 12 hours of the onset of paralysis or they are paralyzed for life!"

Then Mom helped Finley hobble up the steps to the bedroom from the pool. Mom and Dad helped her up onto the bed, where she plopped down. Mom and Dad were almost crying while they inspected her back legs and feet.

I knew there was nothing wrong with Finn other than extreme laziness, obesity and general retardation but I hung around to watch the show at the foot of the bed. What an actress Finn is. A fat actress.

Finn allowed Mom to inspect her feet and Dad found a big, hard seed in her foot pad.

Dad: "Oh thank God. It's just a seed."

Mom: "What an idiot! She didn't even have the brains to shake her foot. It's like walking with a stone in your shoe! She didn't even look at her foot."

Dad: (in baby talk) "Oh dat Finnie Finn! You're pretty dumb, dat Finnie Finn. You didn't know there was something in your foot? Couldn't you look at your foot and take it out?"

Mom: "Well, we've now discovered the depths of her stupidity. She's retarded! Even Stupid Kitty would have shaken her foot to get the thing out. She shakes her feet when she gets out of her litter box. Jinky would have removed a stone in his foot pad in a second."

I still love Finn even though she's dumb. She would probably like being paralyzed. Then she could just lie around wearing diapers in a stroller and get hand fed. I know none of this hysteria would have happened if there was a piece of chicken stuck in Finn's foot pad. She would have gotten that out pronto.