Friday, January 23, 2004

Mom sneaked me on to the Disney lot in a bag and I got to go to an audition. I had to be very quiet while we were being checked in. The security guards checked the trunk for bombs and terrorists but they missed me.

I dropped a one ton shit bomb on Goofy Lane there, next to the animation building.

Then, I had to go hide in the bag again. It's the same cozy bag with the fleecy lining we go on the plane with and it has a black net window so I can breathe--sort of like a dog burqua. I feel like an Arab woman in there. I can see them, but they can't see me, lest they become wildly attracted to me and want to rape me. I'm really glad we don't live in Saudi Arabia, where they treat Moms like I got treated at the pound, like a real nobody.

When we got inside the animation building, there were a lot of old ladies there, reading for the same role as Mom, the Joan Collins role for "Dynasty: Behind the Scenes." Well, behind the scenes of the casting for behind the scenes was pretty weird.

I was in the bag, on the floor next to Mom's legs, but I could see everything. Sherilyn Fenn was there, dressed in a floor length sequined outfit with giant pearls and she was talking on the phone about flying out of there immediately after the audition. She looked like she was dressed for the Oscars but there was no red carpet there, just some old, stained beige carpet, which had definitely been pissed on.

We were sitting right outside the audition cell, so when Sherilyn Fenn got called in there, she was shaking and she went in squealing like a Toys R Us doll being thrown in the garbage. "Wow! Great to SEE you! Well! HERE WE GOOOOOOOOO!" The walls are paper thin, so we heard the whole embarrassing audition.

Then, Sean Young walked in her orthopedic shoes. I remember in my old house, I had seen her on TV in a movie, but she was tiny and colorless. She's bigger than an Irish wolfhound--huge! I could see her back bones through her jacket, she was so skinny. And her head fur looked fried, like it was fake fur, all burned up on top of her head, which was bony and saggier than Mom's. She didn't look like you could take a nap on her without getting stabbed by the rib or hip bones. Not a cozy type at all.

There was a supermodel from the 80's there too-- Joan Severance. I didn't know who she was, but supposedly, she got her ass kicked one time by Mom's friend, the Pet of the Year, ages ago in Vancouver. She was really long and had pants that were all up in her ass crack. I don't know how she could walk around like that, with all that leather up her ass. She must like it. We heard her audition too. Mom was giggling because Joan sounded like she was half dead and it was all over for her in under 60 seconds.

Then Mom went in and I watched the casting people and the producers looking at her like who is this person? Why is she here?

Frankly, I don't know why Mom was there when we could be in the gardens at home, eating and sunning by the pool. Why does she want to be on TV anyway? It's pathetic. She doesn't need anything else and real life, this real life, is so much better than anything on TV. Believe me, I know. I was on death row and before that, I was being beaten up all the time in a dump in San Pedro.

What is wrong with people?


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