A "stupid Hollywood slut" just called Mom. Mom put her on speakerphone while she was cleaning our eaty area again (kitchen).

This girl calls herself Guru X. Mom doesn't want me to give you the name but this is how Mom described her to me as she was mopping the floor:

"She is a short, young, moderately attractive slut who has been hanging around Hollywood in contorted Yoga positions, her legs thrown over her head."

I remember she came to a party here last year dressed like a little marzipan piglet in pink leather and got into an argument with a drunken writer who yelled at her and called her a "stupid cunt" because of her political views. As soon as the TV writer called her a stupid cunt, I jumped up and tried to see it under her mini skirt. She was wearing some kind of nylon thing all scrunched up in there and she pushed me away, like she hated dogs.

Anyway, today on the speakerphone, the Guru was bragging about her new Yoga video and how enlightened she became traveling through Burma with the guy who owns Monster.com.

I could see Mom getting pissed as she mopped up our eaty area. (We like to run into the kitchen with mud on our feet, so Mom is always mopping now, not starring in movies anymore.)

So this Guru/slut was going on and on about traveling around on the Orient Express with the Monster.com and then she asked to speak to Dad.

"Oh," Mom said. It sounded like ice. "I thought you were calling me." I think Mom wishes she was traveling around Burma or starring in movies instead of mopping our floor. But I certainly wouldn't want her traveling anywhere without Dad and ME.

"Well I was, but there is something I want to talk to him about," the Yoga/slut said. Mom knows the Guru fucks a lot of married men, so she squeezed the water out of the mop violently this time, shaking the mop and banging it in the sink. She was wringing the mop head and it did kinda look like Mom was wringing the neck of the little guru piglet in effigy.

Mom told her he was at work and "what do you want to ask him?"
"I've got this new Yoga video, ya know, and I'd like him to introduce me to Jay Leno. I know he's a friend of his and anyway, I thought it might be good for Jay to do some funny Yoga positions on the Tonight show in a leotard and I could show him some of my moves and plug my new video, which was just bought up by WallMart."

These Hollywood people always astound me. They never stop plugging, pushing and clawing to appear on TV. What pathetic idiots they all are.

"Well, I'll be sure to give him the message that you called," said Mom. "Who's house are you living in right now and what is the number so he can return?"

Boy, is our eaty area clean now. We can eat off the floor again.