ADD and Pees in the House

There is an article in the NY Times about ADD (attention deficit disorder) destroying marriages. It's pretty scary because of what goes on in our house. Mom and Dad each think the other has ADD. Secret: neither of them do---they're just both mentally challenged and depressed for no reason.


Mom got mad because there was a giant pee in the bathroom. Everybody pees in there so I don't see what the big deal is but for some crazy reason, humans think they have a right to pee in a room and we aren't supposed to. I don't see the logic in that. 


They have toilets made for them but we are built differently and they are so selfish, these humans, they don't think they need to build a dog toilet.


With all of the stuff they buy that they don't need, like lamp shades and special time-wasting gadgets, extra crystal goblets and other totally useless garbage they waste money on, I don't understand why they can't design a dog toilet that is like a urinal but at our height where we could lift our legs and pee whenever we feel like it. They could make one for the girls too, a simple drain in the floor in the corner with a shower over it so we could push a button and get a treat and then the shower would turn on and wash it down the drain. It would WORK, I'm telling you, but these humans are just too stupid.


Anyway, there was this ginormous puddle in the bathroom---I don't want to say who it was that did it, but she is old and fat. So Mom was out all afternoon and Dad was studying Scot Trade on his computer again. This drives Mom crazy. Mom wants Dad to study French but he won't because he says he prefers not understanding all the idiot conversations around him.  Talk about idiot conversations, listen to the one we had to witness today. Morons.


Mom: "Have the dogs been out?"


Dad: "Huh?" (nose buried in computer)


Mom: "Do the DOGS NEED to go out? Have they peed?"


Dad: "nyup."


Mom: "Is that yes or no?"


Dad: "YUP! YES! YES! What are you yelling at me for?"


Mom: "I'm not yelling, I just want to know so I don't take them down now if they've already been out! And 'nyup' I can't understand if it's YES or NO!"


Dad: (walking into the bathroom and discovering the giant pee puddle by the toilet. She's actually very thoughtful to go in front of the toilet, I think) "Huge pee in the bathroom!"


Mom: "Shit! What time did they go out?"


Dad: "I don't know, I was napping. They could go out again."


Mom: "OK then, that's all I was asking. I'll take them."


Dad: "I'll take them out in a minute...hold on."  


When Dad says "In a minute" that could be a really long time, like the long time between snacks around here sometimes. Mom took us downstairs, muttering the whole way down. She's mad because all I did was pee two drops on the lamp post on Rue Meyerbeer. 


She doesn't know I had to go on the curtains.