Saturday, November 14, 2009

Texas Invents New and Improved Animal Rights Movement

My mom wrote a satire about the animal rights movement and some people think it's real. I'm just a dog but even I know the difference between satire and a serious article. These people have cat litter for brains.

One crazy lady is comparing my mom to Jim Jones ( a really mean guy who killed a bunch of people by forcing them to drink poisoned Koolaid), calling her a bully and that all of her friends, meaning my friends, are lap dogs.

Lap dogs? Do I look like a lap dog to you? This crazy bitch thinks that small dogs are just lap dogs and I think that she is discriminating against some of us for being small. That's as bad as discriminating against people for being big or for being too big, as in eating way too many donuts.
Anyway, I'm posting my mom's joke below about a Texan nut job who thinks that hunting is a good thing. Personally, I think hunting is really creepy and anybody who thinks it's fun to shoot animals deserves one of my extremely potent fart bombs.

So not only am I posting Mom's article, I'm sending a fart missile all the way to Dallas. I hope it makes her eyes sting.

Texas Invents New and Improved Animal Rights Movement

Carole Davis, Pamela Birch and Carole Sax in happier times.


A schism has divided the animal rights movement over a controversial and buxom AR leader in Texas. Followers of the New Texas "Christian Hunting Animals to Save Them From Starvation" (CHATSTFS) have decided to unfriend millions of animal rights activists from their Facebook pages, causing the massive site to malfunction for three hours on Thursday.

Pamela Bertsch, the founder and President of Christian Hunting Animals To Save Them From Starvation, is not your typical animal rights activist--in fact, she is so unique, she has created a reformation to give the aging and ailing animal protection movement a buck shot in the arm. "That 'ol fashioned animal rights movement just doesn't suit our Texas style of barbecues, leather boots and fun bow hunting parties," said Ms. Berstch, throwing up her gorgeous long legs in Tazmanian bat skin boots on the coffee table at her home office in Dallas. "These weirdos in Los Angeles think that they run the animal rights movement and, well, they haven't learned the Texas way of helping animals yet and I'm gonna git er done."

Ms. Bertsch, a self proclaimed anti-puppy mill demonstrator and elephant savior, finds that adherence to the antiquated rules of the classic Animal Rights movement is just too restrictive and too small for her personal Texas-style animal protection movement. News of her breaking rank with the established organizations like The Humane Society of the United States has been rumored to be a major blow to the millions of members who count on her enormous financial support and guidance on important issues like hunting, rodeos, animal testing, hog baiting, quail fighting, peacock cross-dressing, elephant toe dancing, ant farm entertainment centers and the very important program of re-homing stray urban lemur colonies in the Dallas area where she lives and shops.

The philosophical skirmish started on Wednesday, when Ms. Bertsch posted a series of pro-hunting studies funded and published by a well-known mink conservation furrier in Fort Worth with ties to Blackwater and Glen Beck. Further investigation revealed that Glen Beck has donated several million dollars to Ms. Bertsch's foundation, leading animal rights activists in N.Y. and Washington to retaliate by unfriending her permanently on Facebook. One Washington activist, JP Goodwin, attempted to negotiate the secession of the group from the established AR community, fearing that the argument might further divide activists who are, as Ms. Bertsch exclaims, "going to hell and those who are going to heaven."

The hundreds of millions of dollars at stake could mean that monies that were to be spent on fighting Japanese whale rave parties and Canadian seal club dancers might instead be allocated to a non-Jewish pro-bow-hunting coalition of Texan libertarian anti-abortionist and anti public option health care for migrant deer loyalists.

"My husband is a hunter and he gave me a brand new elk head for my birthday this year," said Ms. Bertsch. I get a nice, rare head every year. We've mounted it over our bed and when we pray together, the Elk seems to look down on us and pray to Jesus with us. We're so happy for him to be on our bedroom wall over the bed because if it wasn't for my honey-pie, he would have starved to death. It's a good thing he was killed by being shot. It's the Christian way."

Ms. Bertsch had aroused some jealousy from Jewish Animal Rights activists and the remaining two Muslim Animal rights activists when she proclaimed that the only way to go to heaven was to accept Jesus as their personal savior or they would be going to hell, where there are no animals at all. She told a very distraught Los Ageles animal advocate Carole Davis that she was "in a vortex of satanic forces because of her inappropriate affiliation with her Orthodox Jewish Cairn Terrier."

Carole Davis, the West Coast Director of the Orange County Stray Mice Society, has retreated into talks with the heads of the International Termite Protection Organization and the 45 million-member Bunnies Against Iranian Nuclear Proliferation Society (BAINPS) to discuss how to deal with the loss of such an important member of the CA animal rights movement.

"I'll never get over this," said Carole Davis, shaking her head. "When she unfriended me on Facebook, I thought the world had fallen down. I keep singing the same song over and over. 'How am I supposed to live without you?' by Michael Bolton. Somehow, we must pick up the pieces and continue this movement. The animals depend on us. It's a shame we can't work together."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pamela is a typical type.

Pretend to care about animals, but are actually animal profiteers that have a financial interest in brutalizing animals.

They hang around so they can try to control regulation and convince people that abusing and torturing animals is good for them.

But all they care about is the money.

Pamela is very similar to this one, Patti Strand http://www.
who claims she runs a "humane group." Patti Strand is on the board of AKC organizing business with puppy mills so the AKC can profit from puppy mill registrations.

The AKC supports puppy mills and dog abuse because they profit from it.

Strand got together with other animal profiteers and formed NAIA
Alliance and they lobby against regulation so they can keep making money by torturing animals.

She's a lobbyist. Pamela is a lobbyist. They are deceptive and pretend to care, but protecting financial interests is the goal.

And Strand gets support from this lowlife lobbyist

Pamela is right up this alley.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also people like Pamela are hanging around to find out what animal welfare activists are planning, and to try to entrap them and false report them as "terrorists" or at least let the animal abusers know about pickets, protests, etc.

Pamela is basically a spy. These pro-cruelty lobbying groups keep tabs on the humane community, and they get people like Pamela to get info to them .

Let everyone you know find out what she is up to, and let the organizations know that she is stalking people at their events.

Also find out if she is properly reporting income on her activities.

Most of these pro-cruelty lobbyists are tax frauds.

1:18 AM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

Anonymous, Are you too scared to post your name? To sit down oand talk? To understand that people have diferences of opinions. I'm not. Most of the people in Texas have very balanced views when it comes to managing animals. If you can't leave a name you shouldn't be able to respond. JD Chester MD
Oh yeah-friend of Pam!

8:13 PM  
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Blogger Arizona foreclosures said...

They hang around so they can try to control regulation and convince people that abusing and torturing animals is good for them.

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