There are some really spoiled and mean nitwits in Beverly Hills. Boy, am I glad that lady who complained about a little bit of cat food in her alley is not my neighbor because I'd have to leave her a giant pile right where she walks around in her robe in the morning. It'll get on her slippers right when she's having coffee and she'll track it into her precious house.
So the other night, my mom makes me go to a really, really, long meeting at Beverly Hills City Hall. Mom sneaked me in her bag and they didn't know I was there. It was really boring listening to the "problems" they have in Beverly hills, like that a basement is really a ground floor and that people are mad about how expensive yoga classes are getting and how the city should pay for the yoga classes. Wow. I had to distract myself by counting how many people were farting in the auditorium. I think I caught the scent of a councilman letting go at one point.
So here's what this super long meeting was about:
1. There's a nice lady who feeds stray cats.
2. There's a mean lady who hates the nice lady AND stray cats. She thinks they ought to starve.
3. The nice lady is not only feeding the stray cats, she's also spaying and neutering them so we don't have too many cats in Beverly Hills (I'm happy to help her trap them, I can chase them right into the trap thingie anytime she wants, she can just call me, I'm really good at it).
4. There's an old dumbass Beverly Hills rule that you can't feed stray animals in public in Beverly Hills. Who made up that rule? What are we supposed to do if somebody dumps us? Are we supposed to just die slowly in the street? Uh...I'd like to bite that guy, whoever he is.
After they heard all the experts making minced meat out of the mean lady, the council is gonna think about it. They need to think about it? If they could think at all, they'd just tell that pinch-faced meanie she's wasting everybody's time. Everybody's got to eat, including cats.
Here's what nasty sour puss lady is afraid of:
She 's afraid the left over cat food in her alley is going to attract rats, coyotes, cockroaches and crows. Boy, I think she's got cat litter for brains. First of all, cockroaches have been here, in Beverly Hills, for, like, a million years! Way before Rodeo Drive was here and way before sourpuss moved here. And guess what? Cockroaches are going to dance on her property after she is dust. Way after she's moved out of Beverly Hills and off the planet.
Rats. She doesn't want rats in her alley. She needs to wake up because rats live here, lady. It's not cat food that brought them here. It's life. She's better think about rats a little more, maybe read a little history about the black death. Rats were blamed for killing 1/3 of the population in Europe in the 1300s. But it wasn't the rats, dummy! It was the fleas! If they had front line, they would have lived. Anyway, rats are gonna be in her alley and probably inside her house for a long time whether or not anybody feeds a stray cat outside her precious door. Personally, I hope one crawls into her bed to keep her company because she must be pretty lonely and bored right now. I like rats. I like to chase them. They live in our garden and they are cool with me.They pretend they're scared, run up trees---it's a whole game we play. They don't bother anybody. They got a bad rap in the 14th century, that's all. The Jews got a bad rap too back in the 14th century. They too were falsly accused of causing the black death by "poisoning wells."
There's always a heartless idiot making trouble.
Coyotes. Wow, she's scared that coyotes are coming to eat the left over cat food. What a dumbass. The coyotes live here! We live in their digs, get it? And they like to eat the cat food inside the cat before it's digested. They eat cats, rats and other small animals. So if you don't like rats, mean lady, then you should LOVE coyotes because they chase the starving kitties you have no compassion for away, get it? Wow are you dense. You're about as dense as a brain-dead Chihuahua. Me? I'm scared of coyotes but I respect them. I know we are building on their land and they need a place to do their thing. Who are we to move them? Coyotes are not after cat food. They come into my place and drink my pool. That's cool, Mom keeps me inside unless she's there with me.
I really hope a coyote bites mean anti-stray cat lady but they won't because they're way too smart to do that. If a coyote bit one, single, blown-out, overdone, plastified, divorced, botoxed, Beverly Hills hag, there would be a massacre and they know it. The City Council would probably vote that in before you could say, 'Bulgari-is-having-a-sale."
Crows. Sourface is afraid that crows will fly into the alley behind her house to eat the cat food. Yikes! Is there no limit to how pea-brained this woman is? Crows live here too. And just FYI, they are smarter than sourpuss stray-cat-hater. I know crows are not even worried about this at all. In fact, I just saw them shitting on her car, on her windows and at the next really long meeting, they will follow her to City Hall so they can shit on her head.
What sourpuss really needs is to move to a hermetically sealed condo that gets blasted into outer space, where she can completely control every aspect of her space...out there, far away in space.
I really hope this nasty lady is never homeless because if she ever becomes homeless, nobody will feed her.
Wanna complain and tell City Council what hey ought to do?
Here ya go...
You may reach city officials by phone at:
• Mayor Nancy Krasne, (310) 285-1000
• City Attorney Laurence S. Wiener and prosecutor Maria S. Chung, at (310) 285-1055
• Vice mayor Jimmy Delshod and council members Barry Brucker, William Warren Brien, M.D. and John A. Mirisch, (310) 285-1013.