Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Now I have an assistant, an agent, a manager, a PR human and ...stalkers.

The book launch was a huge success. Lots and lots of humans and dogs came to my party at Book Soup and bought my book. Mom and Dad read some chapters and so did Bill Maher's Fart doll, JJ Wall (a big, very big, like 100 times bigger than an Irish wolfhound, comedy guy) and Carol Leifer, who has lots of dogs from the pound.

Mom said it looked like the set of a Fellini movie, with all the Beverly Hills ladies with yellow hair, fat lips and tiny dogs in jeweled tote bags.

I peed on some other author's books and then an old, fat basset hound took a giant, stinking dump on a stack of "I Like You" by Amy Sedaris. The reading went well, we got laughs and claps and Kimi Peck, who got me out of the pound said a few words about Chihuahua Rescue, which made everybody get teary eyed about the millions of my old cell mates who are getting killed while we have book parties.

Mom had to sign for me because I don't know how to hold a pen with my rat feet. I've got this dew claw deformity and I can't hold a pen without getting ink all over the place.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006



Last night, Mom and Dad were both on television at the same time, on distant channels--those channels on satellite TV that are way up in the hundreds. These are unknown channels with no name. Mom was playing an Iraqi friend of Saddam Hussein's that was the head of Iraqi TV in "Live from Bagdhad" and Dad was playing "Ira" in "When Harry met Sally."

I was trying to sleep.

Mom: (zapping the remote back and forth) "Look! We're on TV at the same time!"

Then Mom put her thumb and pointy finger together, almost touching.

Mom: "We're teeny, tiny celebrities, like tiny specks of dust in Hollywood."

Dad: "That's right, we're celebri-mites."


Sunday, November 12, 2006

Book Soup Mess

I wonder if I'm even going to like this party. A whole bunch of oddballs are coming, agents, managers, actresses, rescue crazies, comics and a whole bunch of people who have always ignored me when they come to the house.

You know what's really strange? I just did an interview with the Malibu times and I'm not allowed in a single restaurant there. That is so wrong.


Shit eating debutante

I'm a little concerned about my wife Finley. She has a totally revolting habit and I don't know what to do about it. She's on a new kind of weird diet where she recycles her food by eating it twice.

Dad calls her the "shit eating debutante."

You would think that this diet would at least work, but it doesn't. She's getting fatter and fatter. I'm not the kind of Hollywood jerk that will leave my wife for a younger, slimmer model who doesn't eat poop. But it sure is tempting though. Ever since my book came out last week, you wouldn't believe the hot bitches that throw themselves at me in Runyon Canyon. I'm talking Vislas and Saluki bitches, the most beautiful bitches in the world.

But Finley took me in when I was just skin and bones, and had just come off of death row. I had nothing but fleas. I can't take for granted her generosity and how she truly loved me when I was nothing. I'll never forget that, as long as I live.


Friday, November 03, 2006

Fake brain surgery and book launch baloney

This book release thing is getting to be a real circus, which as you know, is no fun for animals. Get this: I might not even be allowed to attend my own event. My picture is on the invite and Mom isn't even sure that I can get in.

I don't even think any of my friends who are dogs can come. This is a load of cat poop.I don't really care but Mom is all worked up. This book is pushing her over the edge because her acting career is in a sinkhole. She's been yelling all day about it to Anna, our housekeeper.

Mom: "Can you believe it? I have a call back for a hospital commercial! I'm supposed to be a 'middle-aged woman who's had brain surgery'! This is what I get called back for! And it's regional, the Bay Area. The other audition I had yesterday was for one line in a Farrely Brothers movie. That wouldn't be so bad, but the character is called 'Busty Hot Tub Woman!' She's supposed to be forty and topless for one scene with Jerry Stiller. Oh Anna, it's the end."

While Mom was putting on her 'middle-aged brain surgery' outfit, Anna cleaned the bathroom mirror and laughed at her. Then Mom started laughing and the two of them couldn't stop.

Mom: (to Anna) "Stop! My mascara is all over my face! I have to stop laughing."

Anna: "Now jew really look like you had brain soorgery! Jew going to get this one for sure!"


Becoming famous is just plain weird.