Friday, April 28, 2006

The Moses of Dogs

I think I met the prophet, the Moses of dogs. Her name is Gretchen Wyler and she is the one who is leading my furry people to the promised land. Not only was she a huge Broadway star, with the greatest legs you've ever seen (too bad she's only got two of them) but she's a big leader in the animal rights movement and she wanted to meet ME!

Mom is a big fan of hers too and they had fun talking about animal rights, show biz and of course, men.

Gretchen: "Oh, I had a great time when I was on Broadway. I knew them all! Some of them are still alive, so I can't write that book yet!"

Mom: "Ooh! Tell me about some of the good dead ones!"

Gretchen: "Charlton Heston."

Mom: "Charlton Heston? He's alive, Isn't he?"

Gretchen: "Well, he's half dead anyway."

Mom: (belly laughing) "God! You were with Ben Hur and he was bad?"

Gretchen: "Awful."

Mom: "Well maybe you thought he was dead because he seemed that way in bed. His acting career's been dead for a while. And he was kind of dead as an actor in Soylent Green. Just look at him pumping those hunting rifles in the air at all those NRA conventions. What's wrong with him, encouraging people to shoot and kill animals? But he sure was gorgeous."

Gretchen: "Gorgeous."

Then the most embarrassing thing happened. Gretchen, the Martin Luther King of dogs, was eating her lunch at her desk and I farted. By accident,I detonated an atomic fart missile. This was no ordinary fart, but a stinking cloud of noxious gas that could melt wall paper and fog up windows. She was so nice about it. She didn't get mad, she kept right on eating her tofu salad.

I wanted to apologize but I was too star-struck.

Mom: "Oh,no. I hate to tell you this in the middle of your lunch, but Jinky just passed an ill wind. He's very sorry.

Gretchen: (to Mom) "At least it wasn't you, Carole."

After my bad gas cleared, Gretchen told me what I can do to help my old cell mates who are being sold to research facilities. They're being taken from shelters to go to laboratories and get horrible things done to them for no good reason. She told me to tell you to make sure you call your senator so it doesn't happen in YOUR state.

It's a good thing that Gretchen Moses Wyler the dog prophet is retiring from the Humane society and moving out of that office in a few weeks because I think I gassed the office so bad, it's no longer possible to work in there.


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