I did NOT have Sexual Relations with that Dog

This has got nothing to do with my book deal.

A couple of perverted Chinese hairless guys came over and I got sucked into a menage type of situation. I'm not proud of it and I swear, I didn't touch that guy, but Finn was pretty close to his winky--talking right into the microphone, you know what I mean? It was wrong. Maybe that's why I had to hump her.

I feel kind of weird. I think I might need therapy.

The other one (they're cousins) just likes to watch while he pees all over his T shirt.

The Chinese hairless guys wouldn't leave. They stayed for dinner and hogged all the people food.

Their mom is a famous TV actress and she talks to them like they're nuclear physicists.

Hairless Perv's Mom: "Stanley, please can you find a way to come back here because you've gone off a little too far...thank you, Stanley. I appreciate it. Thank you. I just prefer you stay in the vicinity. Thank you very much, Stanley.

Mom: "Do you take them to India when you go?"

Hairless Perv's Mom: "Of course. They go to the Ashram and meditate. Arnold is in an advanced state of meditation. He's a very old soul and he might even be the reincarnation of an important peaceful energy that is going to change the world as we know it."

Then Arnold, who was sitting on Dad's lap, slipped him the tongue! He slipped his long, slimy tongue right into Dad's mouth. I'm telling you, these guys are not in any advanced stage of meditation. They're in an advanced state of masturbation, maybe. They have completely fooled Dad. They are totally debauched. Dad just sat there making goo goo eyes at a Chinese pervert with pimples.

Dad: "Look how cute he is! He likes me!...is this a mole? What is this on his neck?"

Hairless Perv's Mom: "Oh that's just a zit. It's nothing. He has sensitive skin."

Mom: "Your dog has zits?"

Hairless Perv's Mom: "We have a great dermatologist in Beverly Hills. He's going next week."

Mom: "Your derm sees dogs?"

Hairless Perv's Mom: "No, no, no, no. He just sees this dog. As a favor to me. I've sent every actress in Hollywood to him."

Meanwhile, Stanley was bouncing off the walls, screaming, running around on his hind legs and ripping apart everything we own. He peed on Mom's Persian carpet. At one point, he go so out of control, Finley tried to kick his ass.

Scared off by Finn, the Chinese hairless perv ran downstairs to do dirty things to Stupid Kitty.

I hope he holds her down in the new Igloo litter box and really lets her have it.