Sunday, September 26, 2004

Eating out a bug

Mom and Dad are having some problems. They came home from the Hollywood Buddha premiere laughing about how bad the movie was and how strange it was seeing Arianna Huffington on a date with Gary Hart. But while Finney and I bounced around chasing the Stupid Kitty, the atmosphere changed.

Dad thought Mom looked really hot, so he tried to mount her. Dad's got a primitive way to mount sometimes. I mean as a dog, I usually play around with a bitch for a good 15 minutes, biting, wrestling, staring, running, knocking her down and fun stuff like that, just to get her excited before I latch on and bang her. But Dad just went for it. And Mom reacted the same way Finney would have reacted. Finney would have kicked my ass, actually.

She pushed him off, demanded some "romance" (whatever that means) and then Dad had another one of his tantrums. He ripped his own pants off with the shoes on and everything in his pants pockets went flying around the living room. Then he stormed downstairs to his office (slamming all the doors on the way out) and lay on the couch in the dark, sulking for hours. This ruined our bed-time, because we couldn't sleep without Dad in the giant bed. We waited and waited for him to come out of his "office" (the little guest house at the other end of the pool where he doesn't work).

My Mommy

The next morning, Mom demanded an apology but Dad said he really didn't enjoy the micro-management instructions on how to perform oral sex. He said it was like taking lessons on how to eat out a bug. He couldn't get the tongue movements delicate enough to please an insect...just wasn't capable.

Then Dad put on giant sunglasses and flapped his wrists around, pretending to be a fly, buzzing.

Dad: "The little tiny, teeny minute tongue movements are just too difficult. BZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. sorry MBZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

So things have been pretty tense around here lately since Dad said that pleasing Mom is "like trying to eat the pussy of a fly."


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