Monday, February 20, 2006
La Grippe Aviaire/ French Birdy Flu
Birdy Flu in France
Birdy Flu has arrived in France. Not in Nice...yet. But Mom is pushing it by making goo goo eyes at a birdy that lives on a TV antenna outside our apartment.
The birdy flies all around the apartment looking for Mom all day long, waiting for her to give him some wild bird seeds. She's actually BUYING food for this birdy and I don't like it.
Last night on the news, they were talking about how we should all stay away from wild birdies because they might have "la Grippe Aviaire" (Birdy Flu) and if we see a dead birdy, we should call the Departement d'Agriculture immediately.
Now I don't speak French, so I can't complain to the Departement d'Agriculture, but every time that wild birdy comes to the window, which is like a thousand times a day, I run to the window to chase it.
Dad: "Jinky! Go get that Birdy!"
Mom: "No, Jinky! Leave my birdy alone! That's MY birdy! He's my little friend! He's a Eurasian Ring- Necked Dove and he knows me. And don't encourage Jinky to go after birds. It's not nice. "
Nice? He's not nice...he's greedy, that's all. He comes around looking to take advantage of Mom. They're saying 140 million people are gonna die from this Birdy Flu!
I've got to convince Mom that this friendship of hers with that incredibly GREEDY birdy could end badly. She's trying to train it to fly into her hand! I'll show that birdy something far worse than Birdy Flu, I will. He won't have time to get Birdy Flu around me. It'll be quick. Then those French Agriculture people can come over here and see what happened. I'll get rid of every bird in France BEFORE the Birdy Flu gets 'em. I'll save all of Europe...And my Mom.
Mom: "Bird flu is so sad. All the chickens in France have to stay indoors now. That's the only life they had before they end up on a plate."
Mom: "What now? Still depressed about not investing in Google? They say the stock is going to lose 50%. That might be a buying dip."
Dad: "No. We're all going to get Bird Flu. We'll be dead soon."
Why can't there be some kind of Mean Person Flu, like Meany-Flu, where only mean people get sick and give it to other mean people? There are at least 140 million mean people in this world, like the ones who bought me and beat me up before I got adopted by Mom and Dad.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
It's Feudal to resist
It's Feudal around here
Though we are thousands of miles away, Nice, France, Europe is getting to be a little like the set of that old movie, Sunset Boulevard. I think both Mom and Dad are as they say...ready for their close- up.
They've now set up dog beds in the fireplaces. Since it's warm in the South of France, they don't make fires in the fireplaces, they make dog beds. All the fireplaces in the apartment are stuffed with pillows, covered with mohair blankets. We're supposed to sit in them, like burning logs and pose for pictures. Weird.
I hope Santa doesn't come down off season and kill us by mistake.
Dad is still depressed about not investing in Google and so he looks at stock charts all day counting how much money he could have made.
Mom: "What's wrong now?"
Dad: "Oh nothing. If only I had had the BALLS to put some money in Google. But when the market opens, I'm too busy doing millions of chores."
Mom: "Blame me for going to the hardware store exactly at opening bell, why don't you. What about Ebay? That's a good company and it's exploding in Europe."
Dad: "Too late. It's just hovering."
Mom: "Why don't you write something? You could sell it."
I tried to cheer Dad up by jumping on his lap.
Dad: "I can see now that I'm never going to write anything. I'm fifty five years old and soon I'm going to be dead. Hi, Minky!"
Then Dad got out the camera, put on some crazy rave music and took tons of pictures of Mom, wearing fishnet stockings on the new Japanese bed. I posed too.
Dad:"Ooh...you look great."
Mom: "Who, me?"
Dad: "No. Jinky."
You would think that Mom and Dad were going to do that crazy naked wrestling thing they do but Dad went back to his stock charts and then to bed at 9:30, a half hour before Minky-Time (10 P.M.). He put the covers over his head and snored.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
My Wife is Dangerous
My Wife Finley is Insane
She looks sweet and cute but don't let her fool you. I live in fear.
Our neighbor got a tiny puppy...it's smaller than a mouse. The teeny squirmy thing comes over here, barks and pees on my carpets. Finley thinks it's a toy and she plays with it for a while and then, all of a sudden, for no reason, she loses her mind and tries to kill it. I love Finnie but I don't understand how she can be that violent sometimes.
The other day, the mouse's mom had to go to Marseille and left the mouse here for hours. Everything was going great, Finley was playing with mouse's stuffed squirrel and then the mouse tried to steal back her squirrel from Finn. Growling like an ogre, Finley chased her into a corner and got her big barrel body over the mouse and put those jaws of death on it's walnut-sized head.
The mouse started squealing. Finn is seriously scary.
Mom: (screaming) Oh my God! That horrible dog is going to KILL the puppy! Oh my God!"
Mom ran over and grabbed Finn by the back of the neck and yanked her off the mouse.
Mom: "You're a HORRIBLE dog! Why would you attack a tiny little baby? What's WRONG with you?!"
That very afternoon, Mom, Dad, Finn and I went down Rue Meyerbeer to get our dinner and we ran into the two giant German Sheperds who live down the block. These guys are like two NFL Linemen--unneutered hairy muscular guys with giant teeth and mega balls. They could knock me over with a tail wag. Well Finley started an argument with them! They weren't even looking in our direction and she has to mouth off. It was so embarrassing. So of course I had to act like I would protect her but I was terrified.
It's a good thing their owner dragged them down the Rue de France, away from Finley.
Then this morning, we went to the boulangerie to get a baguette and Finley tried t attack a seeing eye dog.
Mom: (yelling) "What the fuck is wrong with you? You're going to fight with a seeing eye dog? Are you out of your fucking mind? Jesus!"
I guess I'm pretty lucky she likes me. She never even growls at me. She humps me all the time and cleans my ears.