Rabbi Jinkleberg Quotes the Talmud 

Our neighbors in the Hollywood Hills are “saving up to buy a Poodle puppy.” What a waste of money. Poodle puppies can cost over a thousand dollars. And by buying a dog, these nitwits are adding to the problem by giving money to jerks who breed more and more dogs who end up being homeless like I was.

“Love thy neighbor” is one of the ten commandments but that rule ought to be broken if your neighbor is an idiot. Here’s why:

There are thousands of Poodles (and every other kind of dog) who have been abandoned and who are sitting in the pound right now, waiting for someone to come and save them. If someone doesn’t come and get them out of there now, they might get the lethal injection. I know they execute human criminals in some states, but none of my cell mates were criminals. They were all innocent. They were just nice dogs who were thrown away like garbage.

Celebrities who buy dogs as accesories should be squirted with cat pee. That Paris Hilton is such a dumbass. Why couldn’t she take take one of the million dogs who are on death row? Why don’t these idiots just go to Petfinder.com? They can get any kind of pure bred dog they’re looking for. It’s like a giant bargain bin on the Internet where you can find really good dogs. By the way, I’ve been to Paris. It’s a classy place. Her name should be Burbank Hilton.


Don’t the nitwits who buy puppies know that in a couple of months, the puppy turns into a dog anyway? I’m way cuter now than when I was a puppy. Ask Finley or any of the other bitches around Hollywood. Plus, when I was adopted, I was already past the puppy phase of chewing up Manolo Blahniks (those $700 spiked sandals Mom wore on Sex and the City).

The Talmud has a saying that could help a lot of dogs:

“If you save one life, it is as if you saved the whole world."

Dad feels alienated from Show Business

Dad feels alienated from show business. It might have to do with the fact that his show got cancelled and that since we got back from Nice, France, Europe, he's gone on some pitch meetings and no one has called back.

In fact, the phone has hardly rung at all lately, which is great. Nothing these show biz nitwits has to say over the phone is going to change anything anyway. After days of not ringing, it rang yesterday. Mom was WiFiing by the pool and Dad was in the jacuzzi making those lists about money in his notepad.

Mom: (jumping up out of her seat) "Oh my god, the phone is ringing. Did you bring it out?"

Dad:"What?"

Mom: "DID YOU BRING THE PHONE OUTSIDE WITH YOU WHEN YOU CAME OUT?"

Dad:"No. Did you?"

I think they are both waiting for calls from their agents and managers. Mom went on an audition last week for the part of a Russian ballet dancer who teaches pro football players how to do amusing end zone dances. I saw Mom practicing her ballet and her Russian accent and I can't believe a show like that is actually getting made. But nothing surprises me in this town.

Mom went upstairs to check the answering machine. When she came back out to the garden she didn't look too happy.

Mom: "It was an automated call from BMW."

Emmy Meltdown and hurricane Incompetence

Emmy meltdown

Well, we suffered through another long night of Emmy baloney. I don't know how many more years I can take sitting in front of the TV watching a bunch of idiots congratulating themselves with gold statues for the "work" they do on television.

Like every year, none of these selfish morons thanked any of their dogs. None of these show biz phonies even mentioned that tens of thousands of animals might have died in Hurricane Incompetence (that's what I call Hurricane Katrina).

Actresses in ball gowns clutched their Emmys and tearfully pleaded with the audience to help those people down there in Mississippi and Louisiana but not one of them talked about the thousands of dogs and cats left there to drown or to die of starvation. These people make me want to throw up.

When the longest show on television was finally over, it was way past Minky time. Dad was depressed.

Dad: "Well, I'm officially out of the business! All those people are going to do better than me."

Mom: "That's not true."

Dad: "Yes it is and I'm going to make sure of it."

Mom: "You're going to make sure that you don't do anything at all?"

Dad: "That's right, I don't have the talent. Nothing I write is funny."

Mom: "That's not true, you're very funny. You have talent, you just don't want to write anything."

Dad: "I can't write. I have nothing to say."

There are two Emmys with Dad's name on them just sitting on the shelf by the television and still, he finds a way to be depressed. Most people in this stupid town would kill for one of those silly gold statues. Dad uses one of them to flip burgers on the barbecue and he used the other one to kill a tape recorder in a fit of anger.

This morning, Dad cheered up. He found a big pile of money in a bank account he had forgotten he had. The thing is, that's just a temporary happy feeling he's got, not real happiness. Real happiness comes from successfully chasing a squirrel completely out of my garden and scaring the poop out of a giant hawk who thinks he can come around here and drink the water out of my pool.

As dumb as it gets

My wife likes to play dress-up in Mom's clothes. It's really sexy how it opens up right at her pee pee. She looks smart in this photo but wait 'til you hear how dumb she is.

We discovered just how dumb Finn is this morning. It was early, before breakfast and Finn was limping really badly around the garden. She was dragging her back leg and walking like she was going to spend the rest of her life in a stroller. Mom and Dad completely freaked out.

Mom: "Oh my God! look at Finn! She's limping. Oh no!"

Dad: "That's it. That's how my old dog Kegley died. She tried to jump out of the car and her back went out."

Mom: "That's how my dachshund died! He became a paraplegic! Oh my god! Finn's going to be a paraplegic if she doesn't have surgery immediately! You have to do spinal surgery within 12 hours of the onset of paralysis or they are paralyzed for life!"

Then Mom helped Finley hobble up the steps to the bedroom from the pool. Mom and Dad helped her up onto the bed, where she plopped down. Mom and Dad were almost crying while they inspected her back legs and feet.

I knew there was nothing wrong with Finn other than extreme laziness, obesity and general retardation but I hung around to watch the show at the foot of the bed. What an actress Finn is. A fat actress.

Finn allowed Mom to inspect her feet and Dad found a big, hard seed in her foot pad.

Dad: "Oh thank God. It's just a seed."

Mom: "What an idiot! She didn't even have the brains to shake her foot. It's like walking with a stone in your shoe! She didn't even look at her foot."

Dad: (in baby talk) "Oh dat Finnie Finn! You're pretty dumb, dat Finnie Finn. You didn't know there was something in your foot? Couldn't you look at your foot and take it out?"

Mom: "Well, we've now discovered the depths of her stupidity. She's retarded! Even Stupid Kitty would have shaken her foot to get the thing out. She shakes her feet when she gets out of her litter box. Jinky would have removed a stone in his foot pad in a second."

I still love Finn even though she's dumb. She would probably like being paralyzed. Then she could just lie around wearing diapers in a stroller and get hand fed. I know none of this hysteria would have happened if there was a piece of chicken stuck in Finn's foot pad. She would have gotten that out pronto.

Katrina People are dumb and mean

People are dumber and meaner than I thought

I don't know how many animals died in the south this past week but I am disgusted with people because it's their fault. The hurricane was bad, sure. But these people who are running the "relief" operation are worse than a truck load of cat shit. They are telling people to abandon their pets and that they will be taken care of by the authorities. No one is taking care of anybody. People are dying and animals are dying horrible deaths right now because of a bunch of idiots.

Why can't they rescue dogs? Dogs rescue people ALL THE TIME!

What is WRONG with people?

And why would anybody leave a dog tied to a fence in the middle of a hurricane with water rising? Why can't the old lady be evacuated with her seeing eye dog?

What about the shelters? Why isn't there a single dog allowed in the shelters with his people? They have rapists and criminals but they won't let in a single poodle or even a hamster.

My heart is broken from all of this. I know Mom and Dad wouldn't evacuate and leave us here to die. If there is ever a disaster here, we're not going to count on the government for anything. We're going to survive and if we don't, we're going to die together.

We're a pack.