Sunday, December 24, 2006

Harry Sax has pimples and Amputee Barbie Dog

My wife Finley is having an extramarital affair with Harry Sax of Brentwood. I don't get it. Harry's bald, has only one tooth, is from death row and the worse part is: Harry Sax has black heads.

Underneath that gay chenille coat, are the pimples. Mom spent an hour giving him a skin treatment while his mom, laughed like a hyena in a rat store.

Mom: "Oh, my God. Look. These aren't moles, these are actual year old or more, yecch!-- two year old BLACK heads! I'm going to get a tissue. It's disgusting."

Harry Sax's mom: (laughing hysterically) "Aaaaaaaah! Look! I thought they were just bumps! It's the breed. They all have that."

Harry liked the skin treatment mom was giving him and he closed his eyes in the sun and sighed. I thought I would throw up my entire breakfast. What Finn sees in Harry Sax of Brentwood I'll never know but I love her so much, that if it makes Finley feel less fat, and if she wants to cavort with a pimply, hideous hairless Zulu or Zolo or whatever he is, I'll let her. Besides, all that rolling around she does with him burns calories.

Harry Sax's mom has also adopted a hot armless blonde named Irma La Douce from Chi Rescue. Now I can kind of see what Paul McCartney saw in that legless blonde of his. It kind of makes me feel horny and sympathetically altruistic all at once. I think that since Finn is busy with Pimples from Brentwood, I might try and give Irma La Douce a little Christmas hambone. She can't really get very far, she only has her two back legs and two stumps in the front. That didn't stop Mom from making her an outfit out of a fake fur wine bottle sack. Mom is nuts. She thinks the amputee is a Barbie Dog.

Harry Sax's mom: "That bottle sack is perfect! We should sell these! We could patent it! It's so cute and it will protect her little chest from getting abscessed."

Her chest is going to get abscessed? Ew.

Mom: "Look how glamorous she looks. (laughing) We could get rich off of this."

Harry Sax's mom: (holding her stomach laughing) "Yeah! For all those legless dogs we know! Haaaaa! There are so many, we'll make millions!"

Mom: (cutting out the bottom of the bottle warmer) "Look! The bottom can be a beret! A movie star hat!"

Stupid kitty slinked by (surely on the way to make a deposit in her poop- igloo downstairs) and gave all of us a look of pure disgust. I have to say I felt pretty creepy staring at the exposed back end of an armless blonde with no undies in a white fake fur coat worming her way around the couch like a Britney Spears amputee looking for her keys.

The holiday fun didn't end there. As soon as the Sax family drove down the hill, Mom dressed us up for our Christmas pictures. My uncle Belze the big TV star gave me a Santa outfit last night at the Chateaux Marmont. It's hot and itchy but it makes Mom happy. Christmas is about giving after all and I'll do just about anything to make Mom happy.


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Deniers, Jokers and Haters

Mom gets very upset over silly meetings that are happening on the other side of the world and Dad makes jokes about it, which drives her crazy.

Mom: “I can’t believe it! There are French people and David Duke at an absolutely demonic conference in Tehran to deny the holocaust ever existed! They are really pushing it over there.”

Dad: “Well you know, the Shoah must go on…”

Mom: “Stop it! You’re horrible. I’m serious.”

Dad: (singing) “There’s NO business like SHOWAH business!”

Mom: “STOP it!”

Then Dad grabbed Mom in a dancing embrace and dragged her around the kitchen, waltzing.

Dad: “You know what? You could have been a concentration camp hottie, Miss Auschtits!”

Mom: (trying not to laugh) “You’re disgusting, you know that?"

Mom’s kind of right, I know how unfunny death camps are. I was in one, right here in America. Now that I’m out though, I like watching Dad make Mom laugh.

You know, come to think of it, I’m not too thrilled with the humans over there in Koran land myself. Not only do they have international conferences where a bunch of nutjobs get together to deny one of the most horrific tragedies in history, but they turned down really skilled rescue dogs to help them during their terrible earthquake in Bam a few years ago. They think dogs are unclean. I guess we're just too filthy to try to save 40,000 people from the rubble of an earthquake. They must have hairballs for brains.

Mom and Dad were reading the Koran and the ridiculous writings of the Hadith (a really, really long, dog and pig hating book of Islamic laws). They were reading this stuff out loud. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

Mom: "Listen to this! 'Whoever keeps a dog, one Qirat of the reward of his good deeds is deducted daily, unless the dog is used for guarding a farm or cattle.' Unbelievable."

Dad: " This is is hilarious! 'Prayer is annulled by a dog, a donkey and a woman (if they pass in front of the praying people)." I said, "You have made us (i.e. women) dogs."

Mom: "Too much. They are bonkers. Listen to this one! 'Allah Taãla the Creator of this Universe - having created the dog would surely have known that the dog requires Human affection and love to exist in this world. Rasulullah (Sallallaaahu Álayhi Wasallam) would have advised us to keep dogs as pets. On the contrary, we are instructed not to keep dogs as pets and 'love' them as exemplified by the non-Muslims. Remember our life is structured and bound by the Shariah i.e. The Noble Qurãn and the beautiful example of Rasulullah (Sallallaaahu Álayhi Wasallam). Consider these Ahaadith:
Sayyidna Abu Talha (Radhiyallaahu Ánhu) reports that Rasulullah (Sallallaaahu Álayhi Wasallam) said, "Angels do not enter a house wherein there is a dog or an animate picture. (Sahih Bukhari Hadith no. 2986).'

OK, I get it. They hate dogs. They even hate pictures of dogs. Wow. Dogs don't hate anybody.

As a joke, I’d like to send them an army of pooping kitties. Turn the place into a giant litter box that never gets changed.

Until they change their mind about dogs.


Chris DeRose, founder of Last Chance for Animals, speaking at my book signing.


Stuart and his mom Janet. She's the one who drove all the way down to San Pedro to save my life. Stuart's got an awfully nice mom.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

Mom and Dad in a tender moment of packiness and there's my fat wife Finn and me in my cozy sturdibag.


Dad and Sharona Fae, my PR lady who is making me famous. I think PR stands for Pee Review (that's the way news gets around the dog world, through sniffing, not reading).


My favorite aunties, Carole and Tressa with some of my ex death row pals, Charlie and Harry.


My uncle Jonathan Schmock, pretending to be me...


Mom reading my book. I'm too shy to get up there in front of strangers but if there's a light and a stage, Mom's gotta ham.


Here's my good friend Teri Austin, president of the Amanda Foundation. She came to the A Different Light Bookstore event with a little bitch from my harem (who got adopted!).


There's Mom, explaining my tragic puppyhood to the crowd.