Monday, February 07, 2005

Fat French Finn

Mom and Dad are worried that Finn is ballooning in France with all the buttery croissants she eats every morning on the beach. Finn is so fat that she is over the weight maximum for flying in the cabin. According to the stupid airline rules, we are only allowed to weigh ten pounds but Finley weighs at least twenty.

Finn had her endocrine system checked out by some French quack vet on Rue Berlioz who told us that she has a surplus of growth hormone in her brain and that she will be a fat slob her whole life. Diagnosis: Untreatable obesity. That's right, my wife is untreatably obese. I guess I'm no different than most guys. The Vet had the nerve to tell me I have to keep her interested. The question ought to be how the hell is she going to keep ME interested?

Dad has his own opinion about why she's fat.

Dad: "It's because we cut off her ginch. Ever since she had her cunt removed, she's gotten fatter. We never should have had her spayed. It's ridiculous. We weren't going to let her get laid. And I liked the way she looked in her pants. "

(Before she was spayed, Finn used to wear these sexy, jean hot pants with pads in them to protect the furniture from her ginch jam.)

Dad: " I never should have listened to that idiot Vet in the Valley. Cut her snatch out so she wouldn't get cancer? What a load. I should save him from cancer by cutting his penis off. See how he likes it."

Mom: "It's true. No wonder she has hormone problems! She's had a full hysterectomy and she's been thrown into early menopause."

I know we have a pet overpopulation problem but why can't bitches just go on the pill?

Mom thinks we can keep Finley's weight down by buying her new toys every day and keeping her excited (that must be how Mom stays in shape because she doesn't work out). The only thing that seems to get that lazy tub of lard to move is to buy crazy chittering squeeky toys. When she hears the toy screaming for its life, she runs over and does a lot of thrashing until the thing is dead.

Dad figures that because it takes her about a minute to kill a 10 Euro toy, we're going to have to bleed thousands of Euros just to be able to get Finney on a plane.


Blogger Pisser said...

Don't worry, Finn...I have cats that weigh more than you!

They have this ball at the pet store called a Jibber Jabber or a Wiggle Giggle or something to that effect. That should piss her off good and it's hard to destroy, too ;)

12:02 PM  
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1:44 PM  

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