Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Losers and Saboteurs

Losers! That's what we are.

The Nuts for Mutts dog show turned out to be a disaster. Mom really wanted me to win and I placed in the top ten for Terrier Mixes but in the end, I was a total loser. It ought t have been called the Mutts without Nuts show because none of the dogs had any balls.

Now I know how Mom feels when she goes on auditions.

It started out badly because we had to force Dad to get up early and Dad hates to get up at all. Then we had to drive all the way out to Woodland Hills with only one cup of coffee in Dad's tank and he needs at least two double espressos in order to avoid an accident on the freeway.

Mom was an anxious wreck about me placing in the top three. What a pain. I don't give rat's poop hole what these neurotic Hollywood dog show crazies think about me. I was just doing it because the money it took to register me in the contest goes to New Leash on Life, a rescue organization that helps my old cell mates. I endured the humiliation for the cause.

On the way out to Mutts without Nuts, Finley sat on the floor of the Z4 like a blob, Mom gelled my head fur so that it looked spikey on top and lectured me about my manners. But it was no use. As soon as we got in the ring with the other terriers, I knew it was over. The judge got too close to me with what looked like a weapon (turns out it was only a microphone), and I kind of tried to bite her.

Jillian Barberi, the hottie from Good Day LA said, "I LIKE that dog!" She's the only one of the judges who understood that I was having a flash back from my former owners who used to beat me. Two other celebrity judges, Nicole Sullivan and Richard Pryor's widow gasped in horror.

Then the announcer walked up to me with an even bigger microphone and looked like he was going to hit me over the head with it. First, I growled my most ferocious growl into it. The crowd went wild. Then, he stepped forward, menacing me and I had no choice.

I bit the microphone right out of his hand. He jumped back. The crowd roared. It was like a scene out of 'Gladiator.'

Mom: (Screaming) "NO, Jinky! No! Don't bite the judges! We'll get sued! We won't just lose this show, we'll lose the house!"

And then, a plain, ordinary terrier walked up to the judge and licked her. He sat down, put his paws up on her and gave her a long, wet kiss from her neck to her forehead. The woman who was showing him said he was a service dog and that she, the owner, had a neurological disability. That was it.

Dad: "Well, that's it. We know who is going to win this show. The kiss ass."

Just living in this crazy city is enough to acquire a neurological disability and I'm sure Mom could have faked one anyway. Dad did that when he was in the army. He faked insanity to get out Germany--not during WW2, but during Viet Nam.

It's just like Hollywood. It's not who's the best terrier, it's about something else. The guy who is honest and real is the loser and the guy who wins is a suck-up. It's just like the TV business.

Sung to 'We are the Champions':

We are the losers
We are the losers

...of the world.


Party Pooper