On our way back to Hollywood, we stopped in Mom’s home town, Manhattan, to see my Grandma.
Grandma’s apartment is right near Central Park, where we’re allowed to run off the leash until 9 AM. So in NY, we have to get up really
early to go squirrel hunting. I would like to start at 1 AM, but Mom and Dad won’t go for it.
Manhattan squirrels are too smart to get caught. They know the time. They know that dogs have to be back on leash at 9 AM or their people get a ticket for $250. So the squirrels don’t come down from the trees until it’s ticket time.
They look at us right in the eye from up in the trees and laugh at us, those New York squirrels. They're kind of like the people in Manhattan. They're too smart, they live way up high, look down at us all and laugh.
NY Squirrel: “Hey you! Hey! You tink you can get a piece of me, huh? Fuggetaboudit. You tawkin’ to me? I dare you to come ova here an try it. I’ll give you duh rabies
if you even tink
aboudit. Come ova here—I’ll shit on you, you fuck.”
They’re kind of fun
crude in New York.
Every time we go to Grandma’s in New York, there’s either a heat wave or a snow storm. Being at Grandma’s is like living inside an oven. She doesn’t have an air conditioner because she thinks they’re ugly.
Grandma: (Grandma’s French) “Zay are ugly! I’m not going to ruin my windows! Eeeets only two weeks a year zat eet is zees hot.”
Mom: “How can you stand
Grandma: “Use zee Vornado!”
Grandma has a super powerful fan called a Vornado. It doesn’t vacilate and you have to be sitting right in front of it to get the full G force effect of it. Of course, Finley hogs the Vornado and the rest of us just sit there in the heat and complain. Every couple of hours, the Vornado gets so wound up, it explodes and BANG! Pieces of the fan fly around the room like a bomb.
Even in the winter, Grandma’s place is like an oven because they have some crazy kind of heating system, which hisses like a steam engine and makes a steam bath out of the whole apartment.
I love visiting Grandma in New York. The food there is amazing. It’s a very interesting place. The dogs all have nannies and flashy jewelled collars. They’re well dressed, well groomed and cultured. They’re almost all expensive pure-bred dogs that pick the right stocks and eat take out from Zabars.
It’s very different from Hollywood, where people are always fake smiling and telling other people to have a nice day. In New York, they look elegant but they say what they mean.
Dad got into the New York state of mind with a shriveled woman on West 86th Street. Finley was pooping in the gutter, Dad had her on the leash and he didn’t have the baggies to pick it up with. Mom had the baggies and she was talking to an old friend of hers in front of Grandma’s.
Shriveled New Yorker: (yelling at Dad) Pick it up!”
Dad: “I’m going to to. (to Mom, halfway up the block) Hey Honey! Do you have the baggies?”
Shriveled New Yorker: “I SAID, pick it UP! You heard
Dad: “It’s in the gutter
for god’s sake. It’s a walnut sized poop and my wife has the baggies over there, up the block. Do you think I should pick it up with my bare hands? I always
Shriveled New Yorker: “I don’t care, pick it UP!”
Then Dad blew up. She didn't know who she was picking on.
Dad: (yelling loudly) “Listen you cunt,
you won’t tell the Mike Tyson look-a-like over there, whose German shepheard just took a human sized dump ON the sidewalk to pick it up, will you? No! You think you can tell me, a white bald
man to pick it up because you don’t think I’ll say anything, right? You think I’ll be nice and scurry away with my little bag of shit. Well you’re WRONG, you cunt! And if you’re so worried about how the neighborhood looks, why don’t you shed a few pounds off that ASS of yours? You don’t talk to ME like that!”
Dad was so funny. Mom was laughing because she grew up here and for her, yelling at people is a New York sport.
I really love New York. Everybody is very high energy here—lots of yelling and complaining all over the place.
I’m going to make much more noise tomorrow morning in Central park. I’ll be very menacing and have a really great time.