Friday, April 08, 2005

Pope TV Posted by Hello


A Dude Named Pope

A dude named Pope died on TV. He's got an awful lot of friends in long red dresses. It's weird to see a bunch of guys wearing long red skirts with lace following the Pope guy's corpse around for days. He must stink pretty bad by now because one of the men in red keeps wafting an incense burner over him.

Mom doesn't like him very much but she sure is glued to the TV.

Mom: "He's got blood on his hands! How can he go to Africa and Asia, where people are dying of AIDS and tell them not to use condoms? And why can't women be ordained? We're a bunch of breeders to him, no more..."

I wonder what Pope thinks about the Spay Neuter thing. Does he ever think that we've got too many homeless animals dying in cages by the millions? Are there dogs in heaven? Did he ever have a dog? And why aren't there any dogs at the funeral?

Pope had the biggest parties I've ever seen. And his car was so cool because he could ride around without birds pooping on his fancy dresses. His house is VERY fancy but the yard is terrible. All stone and no trees, no grass, no shade, not even a shrub.

I guess people are crying because they'll miss Pope riding around in a gold hat with his hands up in the air talking about stuff they wish they could do but won't. It's the biggest bunch of guilty looking people I've ever seen. At least in Hollywood, they don't feel bad about the stuff they do.

These guys in long red dresses can really sing. They sing this beautiful, sad song, where they call out the names of all the saints. (If I understand it right, saints are dead people who saw dead people and spoke to more dead people.) Dad's been making fun of them, walking slowly across the living room with a red towel wrapped around his waist and a white napkin on his bowed head. He sings the song in Latin, except he changes the names of the saints to Rigatoni and Scungili or Cannoli and Puttanesca.

Dad: "oh, oh, oh, oooooooooh, Santo Spirito Spaghettini... Oh, oh, oh- oh, Santo Spirito Santo Fusili..."

This drives Mom into a laughing frenzy, where she can't even catch her breath.


Thursday, April 07, 2005

Rabbi Jinkleberg quoting the Talmud.

"If you save one life, it is as if you saved the whole world." Posted by Hello


Friday, April 01, 2005

Coyotes and Schiavo TV

Mom is so neurotic. She's totally paranoid about us being ripped to shreds by wild hungry beasts.

This week there are houseguests from France living in all of the bedrooms. Whenever we have houseguests, Mom gets nervous about us getting out and being eaten by coyotes. Mom has put big signs on all the doors in the house that say: PLEASE KEEP DOOR CLOSED BECAUSE COYOTES ARE HUNGRY. DO NOT LET ANIMALS OUTSIDE.

These signs are useless because people never read the signs and they leave doors open all over the place. Mom doesn't realize that we don't like to go out without our people anyway and the Stupid Kitty doesn't dare to go past the driveway when she sneaks out. She's too much of a coward to go anywhere. Still, Mom has horrified the houseguests with details of cats she knows who were ripped limb from limb in the neighborhood and screaming Maltese dogs being murdered right in front of their helpless owners by gangs of bloodthirsty coyotes. Mom thinks up all kinds of scenarios, like a hawk swooping down and sinking its claws into Stupid Kitty and then pulling her up into a tree to devour her. I like that scenario.

Mom: "You'll hear the coyotes at least once a week in the middle of the night. You'll hear the pack howling like this: Aiyah! Ya! Ya! And then you'll hear the bloodcurdling screams of a little cat or dog dying. It's awful. We hear it all the time."

It's true, we have heard a few gruesome sounds out there in the dark but I wish Mom would learn how to relax and accept life as it comes. We're not stupid enough (Finn and I) to go looking for trouble in the woods up here in the middle of the night. Mom should eat a giant bowl of yummy food and then take a nap in the sun and stop filling her mind with visions of our entrails spilling out all over the floor because we're all going to die one day anyway, and it'll be much later and it won't be so bloody and crazy. We'll all just get old and fall into a giant sleepytime that we won't wake up from.

I REALLY like one of the houseguests. He's Mom's godson, so in a way, he's related to me. His name is Marco but Mom calls him Marco-Schiavo because he sleeps most of the day, just like me. When he's awake, he's so much fun because he thinks like a dog. Nothing matters except what's happening right now. He knows the important question in life: Is it fun?

I wish he would take me with him when he goes out so I could party with him. He must be the top dog in the Hollywood nightclub scene because he's tall and has really long eyelashes with huge eyes that are the color of grass after the rain. He wants to live in Hollywood and become a writer, which means I'll get to hang out with him.

Marco-Schiavo sneezes a lot so Mom makes him wear rubber gloves when he checks his e-mails on her computer in case he's contagious. He and Mom laugh all the time and they have been hanging around the pool together, writing a horror movie about a sweet-looking grandmother who is a pedophile sex offender.

I think Marco-Schiavo might be sneezing alot because Stupid Kitty sneaks into his room and rubs her ass all over his clothes when he's sleeping.

Lately, the TV has been on non-stop with what Dad calls "Schiavo TV" or "Schiavo Vision".

Dad: "I want to Tivo Schiavo so we can watch the mellon without commercial interruption."

I don't know who this Schiavo woman is or how she became a bigger TV star than "Everybody loves Raymond" along with a guy named Pope but Dad makes fun of them all the time. At the dinner table, he grabs the back of Mom's head and she makes the Schiavo face, blinking and slackjawed. Mom goes limp and Dad moves her head around as if she were saying yes or no by nodding it forward or side to side, making everybody laugh.

Dad:"Listen to me mellon, are you hungry? Would you like a meat injection? No? What about this? You like this?"

Then Dad jabs Mom in the ribs with his finger. Mom squeals with laughter and slaps Dad on his bald head.

Mom: "STOP! STOP! You can't finger her in the feeding tube hole! You can't!"